Between Dark And Dark
by Oratorio
Summary: She was his commanding officer and the most incredible woman he had ever met. He was intriguingly handsome, and she couldn't help wanting to get under his skin. It was a dance of ages, one that brought them to the brightest and the darkest of spaces. Rated M for later scenes of violence and adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

_O Love, be fed with apples while you may,_  
_ And feel the sun and go in royal array,_  
_ A smiling innocent on the heavenly causeway,_

_Though in what listening horror for the cry_  
_ That soars in outer blackness dismally,_  
_ The dumb blind beast, the paranoiac fury:_

_Be warm, enjoy the season, lift your head,_  
_ Exquisite in the pulse of tainted blood,_  
_ That shivering glory not to be despised._

_Take your delight in momentariness,_  
_ Walk between dark and dark—a shining space_  
_ With the grave's narrowness, though not its peace._

**(Robert Graves – Sick Love)**

* * *

"Haven't you heard?"

The soldier standing in front of Kaidan was almost bouncing with excitement. His eyes shone and Kaidan couldn't help but smile at him. The young man could be exuberant at the best of times, but today he was like a puppy on his first foray into the outside world.

"Calm down, Jenkins, and tell me what you've got your knickers in such a twist about," Kaidan said, shaking his head.

"I thought something was going on when that Spectre came aboard, you know? Something big," Jenkins said, eyes wide. "Then - you'll never guess who I just saw up on the bridge, talking to Captain Anderson."

"I'm quite sure I won't," Kaidan said dryly.

"Commander Shepard!" The words burst from the young soldier's lips like bullets from a Hurricane.

"Shepard?" Kaidan frowned, biting his lip. Everyone in the Alliance and beyond knew about Georgia Shepard, the much-decorated and admired hero of the Skyllian Blitz. "What's she doing here?"

"Exactly!" Jenkins was almost shouting, drawing a narrow-eyed stare from a passing officer. "Never mind _big_. Whatever's going on here, it's _huge_."

Kaidan absently rubbed his neck, thinking. He'd assumed his assignation to the Normandy would be straightforward and this was just another shakedown run. But with the turian aboard, and now the infamous Commander Shepard, it was beginning to seem that there was more to it than he'd been led to believe. He wasn't really sure how to feel about this. On the one hand - maybe this was a chance for his next promotion, to really prove himself and get noticed by the Alliance top brass. Despite this, he couldn't help feeling uncomfortable at the thought of information being withheld from the crew. Kaidan was a strong believer in everything being above board and everyone being kept informed of their objectives, no matter their rank or purpose.

He sighed and blinked slowly, a migraine threatening. "I'm sure there's a good reason they're here, Jenkins, and I expect we'll find out soon enough."

"Yes sir!" Jenkins grinned wildly. "Just imagine though, we're gonna get to fight alongside the great Commander Shepard! What do you think she'll be like? I reckon she'll be a proper hardass, y'know, beautiful and deadly. God, I don't know whether to be thrilled or terrified."

Kaidan chuckled softly. _Beautiful, _huh. He'd never met Shepard but he could hardly picture her as some kind of siren, given her service record. "Take a breath, Jenkins. I'm sure I don't need to remind you that it's inappropriate to talk about our commanding officers in that way," he said, smiling despite himself.

"Ach, you're so boring, LT," Jenkins grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Boring and a higher rank than you," Kaidan gently reminded him. "Let's not speculate about our mission, I'm sure all will become clear soon."

He wasn't sure whether he believed that himself.

* * *

Commander Georgia Shepard was standing in the CIC of the Normandy and looking around the ship with an inquisitive eye. The staff seemed to be going about their business efficiently, and only a few of them had reacted obviously to her presence. She guessed the rest were simply good actors, as it was a rare thing now for her to go unnoticed. She dragged a hand across her forehead and turned to Anderson.

"I'd like a tour of the ship please, figure out who I'll be working with."

"Of course, Commander," Anderson said, "it's important for you to get to know the crew. Follow me."

The ship was compact and had a small but dedicated crew. The first person Shepard was introduced to was the pilot, Jeff "Joker" Moreau. She wondered about his nickname, given that he appeared to be one of the prickliest characters she had met for quite some time. Still, he wasn't short of confidence and if he could fly the ship even half as well as he claimed, she wasn't going to complain.

Moving through the ship, she met with the ship's navigator, Charles Pressly, an older and weathered-looking man. Pressly didn't bat an eyelid when she offered him a firm handshake, clearly not at all ruffled by having an Alliance celebrity on board. The same could not be said for the combat team – a young and excitable corporal named Jenkins who looked as if he was about to burst as soon as her eyes came to rest on him, and a quietly spoken but clearly nervous lieutenant, Kaidan Alenko, whose trembling hands and clammy palms gave away his discomfort. Feeling provocative, Shepard held on to his hand just a bit longer than necessary, secretly rather enjoying the effect she was having on the handsome dark-haired lieutenant and imagining that his nerves were due to some wild and instant attraction rather than the dull reality of her combat reputation.

After meeting the ship's engineer and doctor, she was finally introduced to the turian Spectre, Nihlus, whose presence on the Normandy seemed to be causing even more of a stir. It was unusual to see an alien race aboard an Alliance ship let alone a Spectre, one of the elite agents who reported directly to the Council, and Shepard said as much.

"Ah, Lieutenant Commander, there's something I need to talk to you about," Anderson said, looking her straight in the eye.

"Thought as much," she replied, shrugging. "Would you like to tell me what we are really doing here?"

"The run to Eden Prime isn't just to test out the new stealth systems. We have intelligence which suggests an ancient artifact has been found – a beacon which our scientists believe is of Prothean origin. We need you to take a team to secure the beacon and take it to the Citadel for research," Anderson said.

"Sounds simple enough," Shepard said, looking at Nihlus. "So why do we need a Spectre?"

Nihlus shuffled his feet, looking at Anderson to explain.

"I'm sure you know, Shepard, that your record is very impressive and has not gone unnoticed by the Council. Nihlus is here to evaluate your performance with a view to nominating you to become the first human Spectre. It would be quite an honour," Anderson said with a smile.

"A Spectre?" Shepard was taken aback. "Sir – I don't know what to say."

"No need to say anything, Shepard," Anderson said, "just let your talents do the talking, as you always have."

She bowed her head, cheeks flushing.

"Sir."

* * *

Kaidan sank down on to his bunk and put his head in his hands. He couldn't believe he had come across like such a bumbling fool in front of the new lieutenant-commander. He prided himself on his control and professionalism, yet for some reason he had found himself as wobbly as a newborn foal and he couldn't recall what he had actually said to her. He groaned aloud.

"Feeling ill, LT?" Jenkins flung himself on to his own bunk opposite Kaidan.

"Migraine," Kaidan mumbled, which was true enough albeit not the reason for his irritability.

"So that Shepard is something, isn't she?" Jenkins continued, oblivious to Kaidan's mood.

"Yeah, something," Kaidan said stupidly, closing his eyes. He couldn't get the image of her out of his mind and he was embarrassed by the way he had reacted. It wasn't as if he had never seen a beautiful woman before. There was just something about her which made him feel as if the ground was disappearing beneath his feet. He groaned again at the thought of having to work alongside her in the upcoming mission.

"You should see the doc, Alenko. You really don't look good."

"I'll be fine. I just need some rest."

Needless to say, there was no time for that as Anderson's voice crackled through the intercom.

"Situation on Eden Prime. Alenko, Jenkins, suit up and meet Commander Shepard on the bridge ASAP."

Kaidan sighed and began to pull on his armour, trying his best to ignore Jenkins who was gushing about getting to see Shepard in action. He was too busy worrying about what exactly this _situation _was, and how he was going to keep focused on the task in hand when his stomach kept doing somersaults at the very thought of his commanding officer.

* * *

Nothing could have prepared Kaidan for the utter clusterfuck the mission had turned into. Back on the Normandy he stared blankly at a console, trying not to cast too many glances at the med-bay, and trying not to think too hard about the broken body of Jenkins left lying in a pool of blood and bullets back on Eden Prime. He had been an only child, Kaidan knew. His parents had been older when they had had him, an unexpected blessing later in life. Their son had been their pride and joy, and they would be completely devastated.

The Spectre, Nihlus, was also dead – betrayed by an ally. And now the much-admired and respected Commander Shepard was lying in the med-bay unconscious, possibly dying, all because of Kaidan's own stupidity. The beacon had _called _to him, and he hadn't even tried to resist it. He could only remember a pulling sensation, a whisper over his skin… taking one step towards the beacon, another… and then the force of his commander pushing him roughly to the floor, the spell broken.

He shuddered with the memory of what he had seen next. Shepard, taken by the beacon in his place, had been pulled completely off the ground and immobilised in its beam before collapsing unconscious to the floor. He had carried her back to the Normandy, a dead weight, barely breathing. So much for impressing his senior officers in the hope of a promotion. He would be lucky to get away with a dishonourable discharge.

"Penny for them?"

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams interrupted his quiet contemplation, one hand on her hip as she gazed down at him. They had found her as the sole survivor of her platoon on Eden Prime, the rest of her squad gunned down by the same group of geth who had shot Jenkins. She had joined their ship gratefully, pleased for the rescue and for the chance of revenge.

"I've nothing to say, Ash. You saw what happened back there. Shepard is still out cold, and it's all because of me. I can't believe I was such an idiot," Kaidan said, not meeting Ashley's eyes.

"I can. It _was_ a pretty idiotic thing to do, but it's done now," Ashley said. "Anyway, you were there for the beacon weren't you – she would have gone over to it even if you hadn't."

Kaidan sighed. He could see the logic in that, but even so... he had been weak, and he hated that his commander and Ashley had seen that weakness.

"I just hope she pulls through," he said, bleakly. Ashley frowned when she saw the look on his face.

"You know, LT, she's right through that door. Why don't you go see how she's doing? I'm sure Chakwas won't mind, she's totally got a soft spot for you."

"Perhaps you're right. Not about the doc… but yeah. I should go check on her," Kaidan said.

"See you around, LT," Ashley saluted and headed back to the elevator.

* * *

Kaidan stood next to the med-bay cot, staring down at his commander. She was pale, her eyes closed and her long red hair – normally tied in a tight ponytail - flowing loose around her face. She looked as if she was peacefully asleep. It was all he could do not to stretch out a hand to touch her cheek.

He turned to the ship's medical officer, Karin Chakwas, who was busily preparing some fluids for the commander. "How is she, doc?"

Chakwas met his direct gaze. "She'll be fine. Physically, at least. She's sedated at the moment to allow us to carry out some checks. Her vitals are all good, scans are clear, and I fully expect her to wake up within the next hours. What she went through, though… well, nobody knows. I only hope she will be able to tell us."

"It should have been me," Kaidan said, a despairing tone in his voice.

"None of that, Kaidan," Chakwas was brusque. "Shepard was the commanding officer on that mission, and she was doing her job. She wouldn't want it any other way. Dwelling on the past is not going to help anyone."

"Perhaps you're right," Kaidan said, although he didn't believe it for a second. He knew everyone was just trying to make him feel better, an impossible task.

"Look, why don't you take a sleeping tablet and go and lie down in your quarters. There's not much else can be done until Shepard wakes, so you may as well get some rest."

Chakwas folded her arms and looked at Kaidan in a way that brooked no argument. Tired and sore, he sighed and acquiesced. "But only if you come and wake me up if Shepard comes round."

"I can do that, Kaidan," Chakwas said, patting him on the shoulder. "Now, you take care of yourself. There's going to be aftermath to this mission, and she'll need you at your best to help her deal with it."

Kaidan knew the doctor was right. He dry-swallowed the pill she gave him and headed back to his bunk, hoping that the day's events wouldn't follow him into his dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard cracked open one eye and groaned as the light of the med-bay assaulted her senses. Her head pounded and she had strange noises and images going round in her head, almost as if they had been burned into the inside of her skull.

Dr Chakwas leaned over her, a small cup of water in her hand. "Here, drink this," she said.

"Doc… what happened?" Shepard felt nauseous as she pulled herself into a sitting position and took the cup, sipping slowly.

"How much do you remember about Eden Prime?" Chakwas asked softly.

Shepard thought back. _Too much_, she wanted to say, but remained silent. She remembered losing Jenkins almost immediately after they touched down in the shuttle. So quick… nothing she could do… but she felt again the impotent rage at losing a team member under her command. _He was only a boy_... she remembered the geth – a synthetic life-form thought to be extinct in these parts of the galaxy, existing only behind the Veil. They had shot on sight, no apparent motive. She remembered finding almost an entire squad of people dead, just their Gunnery Chief left in the wreckage. _Nihlus, _lying prone and cold, murdered by a fellow Spectre, Saren. The beacon… _the beacon_… she groaned and held her head in her hands. Alenko had gone towards it, been almost dragged towards it… she had pushed him out of the way but… that was it. That was all she remembered, apart from the strange sounds and fractured images running through her brain like old memories trapped in amber.

"Commander?" The doctor was concerned, running cool fingers across Shepard's forehead.

"The beacon, it… It's put stuff in my head. I think," Shepard said.

"What sort of _stuff_?" Chakwas said, her British accent thickening the word almost comically.

Shepard rubbed her eyes. "I don't know. It's hard to explain. Pictures – sort of, but only fragments of pictures, like a flashback but one that's only half there. I don't know what they mean or why they are in my mind."

"How are you feeling? Aside from that," Chakwas said, trying not to reveal that she was stumped by Shepard's story. The medical symptoms she could deal with. Strange and ancient beacons messing with the psyche… well, she admitted to herself she was out of her depth with that one.

"I'm fine, doc. I need to get to the Council, tell them what has happened with Nihlus and Saren, and about the beacon."

"You need to rest first," the doctor remonstrated. "I'm sure it will take Joker some time to get us to the Citadel, so make sure you get something to eat. Oh, and Kaidan wanted to speak with you."

"Lieutenant Alenko? What did he want?" Shepard frowned.

"Guilty conscience, I think, Commander," Chakwas said.

Shepard remembered the weight of his body against hers as she had cannoned into him, breaking the connection between him and the beam. She knew she should be angry with him for putting her in such a position, but somehow she only felt concern about how he must be feeling right now. First of all, though, she headed to her quarters. She'd speak with the lieutenant soon, but – she wrinkled her nose – a shower and a change of clothes was top priority at the moment.

* * *

Kaidan groaned into his pillow. A hand was shaking his shoulder lightly.

"Go 'way," he muttered crossly. "Asleep."

"Kaidan," Chakwas said as she shoved at his arm again. Instantly he came fully awake, sitting up straight in his bunk.

"Shepard?" Kaidan searched the doctor's face for news.

"Awake. Doing quite well, considering. She's in her quarters, hopefully with a meal and a hot shower. I've told her you wanted to see her."

Kaidan closed his eyes, mortified. He really did not want his commander to know that he was worrying about her, or for her to think that he was chasing after her like a lost puppy.

He gritted his teeth. "Thanks, doc."

"Don't mention it," she smiled, and was gone.

Kaidan swung his legs over the side of the bunk and picked up his fatigues. He supposed he would get dressed and wait in the mess hall for Shepard to come back downstairs. He had been so desperate to see that she was alive that he really hadn't thought through what he wanted to say, and he began to frantically rehearse lines in his head.

_I can't believe I was such an idiot, Commander, you must hate me._

_I understand if you want me to leave the ship, Commander._

_I've let myself down and I've let you all down._

_I'm sorry._

He had just buttoned his trousers when the door to the crew quarters slid back, and Shepard leaned against the doorframe. Kaidan flushed, half-dressed and unprepared. He opened his mouth to start his monologue, but nothing came out. There was an awkward pause before Shepard grinned – _grinned! – _and spoke.

"Kaidan, I know you're feeling guilty about Eden Prime. I want you to stop, right now. I don't blame you for the beacon – how could you have known what would happen? Look, I'm fine, you're fine, and that's all that matters. Now, we have a job to do, so let's concentrate on doing just that. Okay?"

Kaidan gaped at her.

"Alenko? Are we okay?" Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. I hear you. Commander," Kaidan eventually stuttered out.

Shepard shook her head, the smile still on her face. "At ease, soldier. I'll need you on the Citadel to help explain what happened with Nihlus to the Council. ETA three hours."

"Yes ma'am." Kaidan saluted sharply and sank back down on to the bed in relief as Shepard turned on her heel and left. He seriously considered asking to be redeployed on another ship. There was something about Commander Shepard that seemed to turn him into a useless fool. _Not a great career move, Alenko_.

* * *

Shepard knew she shouldn't be smiling, given the events of the last 24 hours. It seemed wildly inappropriate. But given the memories that had crowded her mind since Eden Prime, the image of her lieutenant standing bare-chested and flustered in front of her was a welcome improvement. She prided herself on being the consummate Alliance professional, but that didn't mean she hadn't enjoyed the view.

She was used to seeing marines half dressed, hell even stark naked. In the Alliance, there was no room for modesty – even on the highest spec ships like the Normandy, the crew were expected to bunk in the same quarters due to a lack of space. It became completely normal and unremarkable. She hadn't thought twice about walking straight into the crew quarters to speak to Alenko. But faced with his exposed olive skin, smooth muscles and the shy blush that crept across his cheeks, she had been momentarily taken aback, had lost a bit of composure and had even _grinned _at him. She shook her head. _What must he have thought_, she sighed, _his senior officer smiling like an axe murderer at a funeral._

Damn it, there was just something about that man. It was probably best that she avoided the crew quarters for now. This strangeness was not something she wanted to explore.

She headed back up to the bridge to talk with Anderson and plan what they were going to put in front of the Council. She was not looking forward to this meeting. Politics was not her strong point.

* * *

_God, _Kaidan thought, _why would anyone want to be a politician? This is so tedious._

They had been hanging around the Citadel for a while waiting for the Council to call them into the meeting to give evidence of Saren's betrayal. This was the second such meeting – the first time they had come before the Council, Shepard had had to be forcibly removed after losing her temper quite spectacularly. The Council had not believed their story about Saren and Nihlus, and clearly Shepard was not a woman to take that sort of affront lightly.

Now, though, with the help of a motley bunch of aliens, they had sought out new evidence showing that Saren was indeed guilty of treason. Kaidan felt sure that the Council couldn't dismiss this out of hand, or at least he hoped so. Shepard had been in a foul mood for the entire day after the previous congress, and he really didn't want to have to go through that again.

His legs were aching and he leaned against the wall, watching the small group of companions who had helped with their quest for evidence. A ramrod-straight turian, Garrus, formerly of C-Sec and now a part of their crew. Urdnot Wrex, a loud-mouthed krogan with a superiority complex, and Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, a young quarian on her pilgrimage from the Migrant Fleet. He smiled to himself. Shepard was certainly creating an eclectic squad. He couldn't imagine what the Alliance would think of it.

Just then, Shepard appeared at the foot of the stairs, face wreathed in smiles.

"We're on, team. Good work. Saren is no longer a Spectre – but I am. Let's go get him," she said, striding past them and heading straight for the docking bay.

Kaidan realised he was staring after her, mouth half open. He shook himself down and made his way to the elevator. Shepard, a Spectre? There had never been a human Spectre before. This was a hell of an achievement, Kaidan thought, yet she was shrugging it off as if it was all in a day's work. Yeah, she was some woman alright.

* * *

He had no idea why he had blurted out all he had about his past, about Brain Camp. He rarely spoke to anybody in personal terms these days. Kaidan had always strived to be the consummate professional – controlled, buttoned-up, focused. Not the sort of person to make friends easily, he preferred to keep his distance from his fellow crew members. He certainly didn't go around telling people all about the man he had killed when he was just a teenager, about the girl who had broken his heart with her terror.

Of all the people he might have confided in, he was pretty sure that his commanding officer shouldn't have been on the list, let alone top of it. She was an intimidating woman – tough and fierce – and he didn't think she would take any weakness among her crew lightly. Yet, when she had asked him what his story was, he had simply told her without any embellishment or embarrassment.

"I hope that doesn't mean I have to fix you, LT," she had said, raising an eyebrow.

Kaidan had chuckled nervously. "Not at all, Ma'am," he said. "I'm thirty two years old now and that's all history. I'm not damaged goods. I can do my job as well as anyone else."

"Glad to hear it." She had wrapped her fingers around his forearm and squeezed gently, feeling his muscles bunch under her touch for one brief moment. He had flushed and looked away at a console, fiddling with it distractedly in the hope that she would go away. There was an awkward silence as he sensed her watching him, but then she was gone and he let out the breath he had not realised he had been holding.

Her skin had been so warm, he could almost feel the shape of her fingers burning into his arm. He lay his own palm over the spot where she had touched him, his heart racing in his throat.

_This is not good, Alenko, _he told himself firmly. _Spilling all your secrets, blushing like a teenager. It needs to stop._

He didn't think it would.


End file.
